4 Important Signs He’s Not the One God Has for You

4 signs he's not the one God has for youBy: Stacey Pardoe

He drives an amazing car, smells like a dream, and the way he looks at you across the room does something to your heart you can’t really put into words. He’s funny, romantic, and attentive.  You really hope he’s the one you’ve been waiting for, and the fact that all but two of your closest friends are now married only magnifies the hope.

There are a few red flags, but you brush them under the rug. Surely, he’ll mature out of his obsession with the weird games he plays on his phone at all hours of the day and night.  Nobody’s perfect, right?

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It’s a conversation I’ve had with dozens of women over the course of a decade of mentoring younger women and doing life with close friends. I see it in her eyes: She desperately wants this guy to be the one for her.  However, what I hear beneath the current of her hopeful optimism tells a different story.  He’s not the one, and somebody needs to tell her.

Here are four signs the guy you’re dating isn’t the right one for you to marry. Even one check on the list ought to send you back to the drawing board of assessing whether this relationship is really worth pursuing. I know it hurts.  I know it’s disappointing.  But let’s avoid a lifetime of heartache and misery before it’s too late:

He’s unkind to his parents

This is a big one. Watch the way he treats his parents.  If his mom is a part of his life, especially watch the way he treats her, the things he says about her, and his overall attitude toward her.  If he’s not kind and gentle with his family, chances are his kindness will wear thin when you become and actual member of his immediate family by marrying him.

A man can put on a good show for months, even years. He can be tender, compassionate, and attentive for a long time.  But when life gets hard, his true colors will come out.  His true colors are on display for you in the way he treats his immediate family.  If he’s not kind, he’s not a good candidate for life-long companion.

He’s rude to strangers

How does he treat the waitress at the restaurant? Does he hold the door for the person behind him?  How does he react when someone cuts him off in traffic?  If he doesn’t treat the waitress with honor and respect, cares only about his needs, and blows a gasket when slighted in traffic, it’s only a matter of time until he’s frustrated with you and acts the same way.

He doesn’t sweep you off your feet

His inability to communicate his feelings might be because he’s not sure about you. He’s trying to figure out if you’re the one for him.  In his calculating, sweeping you off your feet isn’t a part of his plan.  While everyone has the right to think through whether or not a partner could become a life-long partner, it’s important for a man to pursue a woman.  Call me old fashioned, but time and time again, I talk with women who aren’t sure just where their potential suitors stand.

If he’s not making it a point to romance you, tell you how he feels, and sweep you off your feet, he’s probably not committed to you. If you’re not committed to him, this is all ok, but if you’re looking for a long-term companion, the guy you can’t quite read needs to get over his indecision quickly if he’s going to stick around.  If he hasn’t swept you off your feet, consider looking elsewhere.  Every woman deserves to be pursued and swept off her feet.

He doesn’t inspire you seek Christ in deeper ways

You know this guy. He’s so attractive you can hardly take your eyes off him.  He has a bad boy edge, and you’re so into to him that you’re willing to overlook his flaws – like the binge drinking, stack of dirty magazines in his closet, and the way he sometimes jumps the bill at busy restaurants.

Step back and ask yourself, does this man inspire me to be a better person, or is he slowly dragging me down? If his he’s not encouraging you to go deeper in your walk with Christ, he’s not going to be a good spiritual leader for your home.

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If you’re feeling pressure to settle down, if you don’t like the idea of going to dinner parties alone, or if the fear of life-long singleness is keeping you in a relationship with someone described in this list, please embrace this truth: You’re better off without him. You deserve better.  Don’t settle until you’re treated like a treasured prize.

Can you relate to these words? Have you experienced the pull of a relationship that seemed so right but ultimately pulled you down?  We’d love to hear about your experiences.

Stacey is a wife, mother of two, freelance journalist, mentor, and certified special education teacher. She’s on leave from the classroom for a season of investing in little lives and catching frogs along creek beds.  She writes weekly at www.staceypardoe.com.





13 thoughts on “4 Important Signs He’s Not the One God Has for You

  1. Thank you for this Stacy, I indeed deserve to be treated like a prize, not an after thought! God bless you

    1. Yes, Daisy! You absolutely deserve to be treated like a prize. And there are men out there who will do just that. I remember almost giving up hope that any man could love me so well, but don’t lose hope. God eventually brought a wonderful man into my life, and after 14 years, he’s still pursuing and cherishing me. Don’t settle, sister 🙂

  2. Hi!

    I really appreciate this list. I’ve recently (like, a month ago) started a relationship with a guy who I know doesn’t live his life to be Christ-like. He didn’t grow up in a Christian family. We have talked extensively about how important God is in my life and that I’m not going to change who I am. I told him I don’t want to be the mom who takes her kids to church while my husband stays home… it was awkward, but I wanted to draw a specific line. It’s something I NEED in a partner. If I’m looking at it on paper, it’s easy to make the decision…just don’t do it. duh. but it’s not that easy! We live in a very small town where he has been burned time and time again by “Holy-er than Thou” Christians. He IS kind and sweet – he has an amazing relationship with his family. I just don’t think he’s seen the grace and mercy that God has to offer. I know it was right to “take a chance” on him…I had an overwhelming sense of peace that day we talked together. I realize this relationship is super new, but I’m not sure how to let him down gently without seeming like I’m “too much of a Christian” for him. Does this make sense??? I’m struggling… I know to pray and give it to God – I’m just wishing I had said “no” to begin with…. I don’t want to let my heart go any further with him knowing that he’ll never really be the spiritual leader I need him to be.

    1. Hi Ellie. My heart goes out to you. I understand this struggle. As I’m praying over you this morning, I’m reminded that sometimes this calling to walk with Christ leads to being misunderstood. I really cringe at the thought of being one of those “too critical Christians,” and I understand that you feel the same. Unfortunately, telling this guy the honest truth might mean he feels that way. My only suggestion would be to try not to make him feel less-than as you let him down. Sometimes a more general approach can be helpful. Instead of telling him that you don’t think he can be the spiritual leader/equally yoked partner you are looking for, tell him you seem to have too many differences in the way you approach faith. Give examples. Tell him how central faith is in your life, how you want to take your whole family to church every Sunday, be involved in the church, read the Bible together and pray together regularly, etc. Help him see that these aren’t virtues he values in the same way you do, and explain that you simply want to be on the same page with the man you marry. I wish I had a better suggestion to completely avoid the overly Christian part of how he might perceive this…At the end of the day, may you rest in the assurance that God is pleased with your devotion and obedience. I’m praying for you!

      1. Its not every day that you meet a man who willingly tells you the things this man told you and he still dates you. In a perfect world we want the man that we one day wish to marry to be already saved and chasing Christ when we meet him and that’s fine(in a perfect world). I’d submit to you to maybe invite him to your church and introduce him to some of your Christian friends. Help him feel welcomed. Build an environment where he can open up to Christ. Seek deeper depths of God. Hold a bible study with him as a date night. And just because he’s not quite where you are in his journey doesn’t mean he’s unevenly yoked. We tend to think that to harsh of people. I pray that God gives you a clear and sound understanding for you. And may blessing, grace and mercy be showered upon you and this young man. To God be the glory

    2. I was faced with a similar situation a few years ago. I simply told the man that I had talked with the Lord (I did) and he was not the right one. You don’t owe him more explanation than this. If there is one situation in which you do not want to let compassion take over, the choice of a mate is it.

  3. Thank you Stacey. I find time to read this because I am a little confused. Because This man just disappeared and I don’t know what happened after I prayed and fasted. He is holding back his love for me because he is afraid of a long distance relationship. Which I in my part I do not force him or ilecen chase after that thought,but he is very advance in that nking the possibilities He had this trust issues , doubts , and even think that I am the same with all the girls out there who hurt his heart. He doesn’t have an idea I was praying for him. But he keeps on pushing me away after he found out that he is falling in love with me,that he already love me. I just cannot understand why he cannot see me, see my worth and see that I am a true person .He become so rude to me in his denial stage of his love to me. He is afraid of loving since he already had gone this heartaches and also his mom leaving him when he was a baby. I just cannot understand why I have compassion to him, even though he’s closing his doors and pushing me away I am not mad at all, no grudges and hurtful feelings. I just want to be a good friends since I am waiting on Gods proper timing. Thank yo Stacey..

  4. I am 65 years old and for the last 4 1/2 months have been attending church with a gentleman and we spend most Sundays together, have gone to movies, concerts, family gatherings together. Our relationship at this time is defined as a friendship. We both have been single again for decades. Any suggestions on how long this should be titled “friendship“ before we have that let’s define the relationship talk. Thank you for your time God bless!

    1. Hi Sally. Thanks for reaching out. It has been my experience that knowing where you both stand in the relationship is important rather early-on. No one wants to live with questions and constantly wondering where you stand. One of the most positive experiences in meeting my husband was that he told me he was looking for a wife and was very serious about pursuing me from week one. I’d say it’s time to ask how this gentleman truly feels about you and see where it’s going. Starting slow can be a good thing, and I do advise it when I mentor women, but I’d say at over four months, it would be good to see where his intentions rest. Praying for God’s best for you, Sally!

  5. Hi Stacy,

    Thank God, i found this page! 🙂 this is what i needed to boost my morale and clarify things for me.

    I have been seeing this guy, we serve in the same Church and he asked me to become his woman. During our dating process, we’ve had some on and offs gatherings. But, as it was mentioned above that if there’s a confusion, he is probably the one(seems true) It has been a painful experience, he is bad at communication and he always says that he is busy. And yet, we had a conversion and asked him exactly about his certainty of being with him, which he assured that He was so sure and wanted to be with me. But ,he hadn’t asked me for a proper date(like a dinner or something).

    Told him about my concern on the poor communication, he said he was gonna improve, still NADA! Nevertheless, when i ask him to go to our church community gathering, he is not interested(but he would rather go there when there’s game night, not when there’s scripture sharing and the word of God) and yet He claim himself being a christian. I don’t feel him bringing me closer to Christ. Cutting the story short, recently he told me that there are some rumors at church saying that Girls like him and he told me that he is gonna back up a bit from our dating phase because, he doesn’t want to ruin his image and that he doesn’t feel like moving on with me now. I asked him to talk about it, but he said there was nothing to talk about. I totally gave up on it and i am planning to move outside the church and go serve in another church because it’s so hard for me to keep my focus on doing the Ministry while being in the same church as Him. But God’s ways are always the best, I have decided to put my focus on the Lord alone. I think i am in the wrong Church, with fake people and so called Saved people and claim themselves as followers of Christ and yet they are not. May God help us and reveal himself. I believe He did this to show me the true colors of the person i was with. And I am Grateful for this even if it hurts when you once loved somebody. God bless you.

  6. Hi Stacey, I’ve been dating someone over four years- doesseem ridiculous to you? He is a Christian as am I. There is much more I could tell you yet I do not want to put it on social media. I love him deeply yet am waiting on God to see at this time…where it’s to go. I want to be married one day. I know God wants the best for me. I love him so its hard to walk away. Any advice? Please.

    1. If you have been dating for years and you are not certain by now (and your comment about it being hard to walk away says a lot), then it is highly likely that he is not the right one. I won’t say it absolutely because I do not know. I only know that dating for four years, although it is not a bad thing, should have told you enough. God should have let you know by now.

  7. I can add to this list: Do not let any man who is an alcoholic (even a recovering one) or abusing street drugs ever get romantically involved with you. I know that sounds harsh, but it is true. I know from personal experience. Addiction makes permanent changes in a person that you can never love away. I don’t like to think that those recovering alcoholics and drug addicts are never going to be relationship material, no matter what they say or do, but it is true. The other thing to remember is that many Christian men are not what they seem to be. Just because a man is Christian, that does not mean he is going to be an acceptable husband. I have been married twice, and I am now divorced. Do not make the mistakes I made. Run as fast as you can from any addict (alcohol is as much a drug as any street drug) who is showing an interest in romance with you. Do not think that you cannot be unequally yoked with someone who is nominally a believer, either. Are there decent men out there? I know there is, but it can be so discouraging trying to find one. Just trust God and leave it in His hands. Don’t let the bad ones crowd out the right one.

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