When Your Calling Keeps Chasing You
By: Tiffany Langford
Is it okay for me to just be real for a moment? I'm laying awake at 2:00 in the morning with tears in my eyes, but these aren't tears of sadness.
I lay here, with my husband and my daughter by my side, and I can't help but thank God for everything He has brought me through in my life. The tears I've sown have reaped something beautiful, and I know this is only the beginning.
I remember walking around with a lump in my throat constantly from just wanting to break down in tears. There was a constant ache inside of me. I struggled with feelings of inadequacy. I struggled to feel loved. I would think about praying, but He seemed so far away.
I found myself in such a deep depression. I struggled with suicidal thoughts and I came to the point I couldn't take it anymore. Everything in my life was weighing me down. What more was I than a broken girl from a broken home?
I felt like I was in a dark tunnel that never seemed to end.
But God has a funny way of taking what the devil meant to kill us with and using it for His glory. He wants us to let Him love us deeply, our hearts need it.
Our hearts were made to embrace the love of Jesus, not to walk this world alone.
I remember one day I couldn't take it much longer. I couldn't fight back the tears. I dropped to my knees and found myself in fetal position sobbing like a baby on the bedroom floor. That was the moment I cried out to God to rescue me from myself.
In that moment I felt a love sweeter than anything I had ever felt in my entire life. I felt the literal love of God wrap around me and permeate through me. I laid there and found my healing. I was never the same from that day.
Since then, God has held me through everything. There have been times I just wanted to give it all up, but just like the prophet Jeremiah said, His word burned in my heart like a fire, it was shut up in my bones. It wasn't something I couldn't shake off. God had placed a calling on my life.
A job you can quit, a dream you can give up, but a calling will chase you forever.
Last summer was the hardest time I had ever went through in my life. My daughter was born 9 weeks early and I felt so much guilt because my body could not carry her full term.
What was supposed to be the best day of my life turned into a nightmare. There was one point the doctor told us that things could take a turn for the worse and even be fatal, and I thought I was going to lose my mind. My husband held me, and we both just cried.
The whole situation drained us physically, mentally, and emotionally. All we could bring ourselves to do was pray. They told me I had PTSD from the traumatic birth and hospital stay, and anxiety plagued me like a disease.
I felt like I couldn't take the pain anymore. My heart was already distant from God, and this situation was either going to make me better or break me for good.
I hated feeling the distance between me and Him. Life got in the way. Yes I still loved God, but I thought God must have chosen the wrong person. I'm not strong enough for this.
God spoke to me to start writing again. I needed something to cope with the hell in my mind and I missed connecting with others in this way so I decided to give it a try.
I did not realize that people would be helped through my obedience to God. There was a post I wrote called The Day I Decided to Let Go that I wrote with no intention of posting. I wrote it for my own personal healing in transparency but God told me to share it. It took me some time to build up the courage but nevertheless I obeyed.
A girl messaged me on Facebook after reading it and said she was going to take her life, then God talked directly to her through that same post that I almost didn't share and ever since then she's been coming back to God and reading her Bible again.
I say this not to take credit or receive glory, but to tell you how important it is for you to follow the calling God has placed on your life. It's a responsibility, and as we bless others we can trust that God is going to take care of us.
God has taken me out from loneliness and blessed me with a beautiful family. We walked out of that hospital healthy and my little girl has been developing and growing perfectly. I had to trust the life of my baby girl in God's hands.
What has God called you to do?
If there is anything that I do know it's that above anything else, He has called us all to love and serve.
Remarkable things happen when we make the choice to give God every broken part of us. He will use our pain to reach and heal others. In the process, you are going to find yourself whole. That is just how God works.
Become busy chasing after God. He is going to heal you and use you. Some day you are going to look back in marvel at how far a God has brought you.
You are cherished, you are beautiful, and you are His. Trust His love for you.
You are going to do remarkable things in the years to come, I believe in you and God believes in you.
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