By: Candi Hilton
When the relationship with the father of my youngest children ended, I spent hours crying. I cried in the tub literally every time I bathed. I was a single mother with six children, forced to face raising them alone.
I had moments of desperation thinking that I would either either die alone and never find anyone else, or that dating would overwhelm me completely. I wanted to hide forever. I cried myself to sleep many times.
I made bad decisions, giving myself to him sexually although I had promised God and myself I wouldn't. I joined dating sites. I was so desperate for someone, ANYONE to talk to me. I so desperately needed and longed for validation and acceptance.
As I began to study the Word and cry out to God, He showed me gently (and sometimes not so gently) what lining up with His word means. We ask for our husbands, we pray for them, we cry out for their well-being and their presence in our life to be made evident, but in the meantime, while you are waiting, what kind of bride are you?
Our relationship with Christ is what marriage is ordained to mimic, so what kind of bride are you to our Lord? If you honored a husband today in the same exact way that you honored Christ today, what would that look like?
Are you the grievous bride, asking God repeatedly for what you feel you need or deserve? Are you faithful, or are you giving your body to others? Do you honor your calling by speaking wisdom and truth, or do you listen to and spread gossip? Are you bitter and angry, or do you walk in gratitude and joy?
When I first began to examine my life and heart for what qualities I represented, nothing about me lined up with what it meant to be a Godly wife. I looked at every man I saw and wondered if he was "the one." I was bitter and angry. And I wallowed, oh how I wallowed.
My wallowing and sorrow was very much like Job in the Old Testament. Job was one of God's all time favorite people. God Himself calls Job a man without sin. He believes in Job's character so much that He allows Satan to torture Job to the point that he cried out begging for death.
He allowed Satan to destroy everything Job had, take everything from him, and leave him suffering in physical pain. Job was angry y'all. He assumed God had turned His back on him. He says over and over throughout the book of Job that God had forgotten about him. He expressed his doubt and anger to God and about God candidly. Many times throughout Job's story we see him point blank period say, "I hate my life."
He begs God for mercy, he cried out with pain so real you can't help but feel sorry for Job. "Why me, God? What have I done to deserve this? Why do you keep letting bad things happen? God please hear me. If I've done something wrong I'm sorry, just give me a chance to make it right."
When God finally intercedes in Job's situation, He says to him, "Am I not the most wise? How can you possibly know all and see all as the mere human you are? I AM GOD. I AM IN CONTROL." He goes on to say (I love this),
"When you are God you can be in control." Job 38:36
Job repents immediately and says, "Father I regret ever doubting you." Job knew his Redeemer lived, and God showed up for him in an epic way. Job 42:12 says, "the Lord blessed the latter years of Job's life more than the earlier," restoring not only his earthly riches but blessing him with many more children and years of life to enjoy his family.
Here's what I learned from Job's anger and doubt and God's reaction to his anger. God desires our friendship and our companionship, not our perfection. Job was angry, and doubtful. And he said so. Yet when God said, "hey Job, I've got you" he immediately repented. To be angry, and to doubt are not sins. But to wallow there is.
This walking in waiting is not an easy walk sometimes. Sometimes we become lonely, or angry. Sometimes we cry out to God, "Why me?"
Sometimes we become bitter. Sometimes we become desperate. We might be tempted to think God doesn't hear us or has forgotten about us.
He hears you, his beautiful bride. He is your Redeemer, and He has promised to restore all that is lost.
At times when that desperation tries to creep back in, I remind myself that my Savior is sufficient. He longs for me to be satisfied with the love, the grace, the all encompassing obsession He has over me. Am I rejecting that love and pining over another who has not even yet been sent to me? What must my Savior feel?
Lord, let my prayer over my future husband not become worship over the longing for him. I love you so much and your grace is sufficient as your guide my path.
Father God, forgive me for wallowing. Help me to be open and honest with you about the contents of my heart. But remind me, chastise me God. For your plans are to prosper me, you hold my future.
Fall in love with Christ. Focus on His all consuming obsession with you, and wait for the husband who follows His example of husbandry.