Scrolling my Facebook newsfeed today I came across a post of someone who said they “supported” suicide. I continued to read this story of a teenage girl whose little brother walked into the room to find his sister dead, but was too young to understand until the mom came in and realized what had happened.
This took me back to a time in my life I hate to even remember. Like the girl in the story, it was one horrible day after another when she decided she couldn’t take anymore of the pain.
One day the enemy really had a hold of my mind. He had convinced me, like many others, that life would always be this way and that there was no hope for me. He kept planting seeds in my mind that I was unloved, and I was unworthy. Besides, if there was really a God you wouldn’t be suffering like this anyways, so why not end it and just go to sleep?
My fragile, young mind raced with thoughts as I sat in the bedroom floor. Anyone who doesn’t believe a child goes through anything is totally out of touch with what’s is actually happening in this world. I was tired of feeling so low and so broken, and feeling like the whole world was against me. For some reason my mirror has been broken, the pieces lay beside me as I cried myself dry. I took a piece and begin to push it into my wrist. It hurt, but surely the temporary pain would outweigh the constant ache within my heart.
But I didn’t something that day that I hadn’t done in a long time. I threw it down and prayed HARD. I rebuked the devil that was coming against my mind. I had enough knowledge of God instilled in me to know to pray, and I’m thankful I did. I got up, cleaned my mess of a mirror, and continued to do what I had been doing all along, holding on.
A few years later I gave my heart to Jesus. I’m not going to tell you that from that day all pain was erased from my heart, but I did obtain peace and a will to hold on.
If I had committed suicide that day I never would’ve graduated from high school. I never would’ve made new friends or got to experience all those cool concerts and church services that I hold so dear to my heart. I never would’ve went to church camp, and I never would’ve laughed until my stomach hurt like I have done so many times. I never would’ve met my Boaz and got to experience being loved so deeply by a man who cherished God and me. I never would’ve had my beautiful daughter who makes me laugh and cry tears of joy every single day.
I never would’ve went to college or pursued my dream of living by the beach. I never would’ve began writing and reach millions of people from all over the world, which is something I never would’ve imagined. Most of all, I wouldn’t have given my heart to God and experienced the fullness and joy of what it means to walk with Jesus. The love, peace, and mercy that flows from him is more than enough to carry me through the hard times. I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I’ve stood and marveled at God’s creation. I’ve fought for my life, and done so much in 24 short years I never thought possible.
I never would’ve realized I had a life just waiting to happen on the other side of my pain, and that I would have many more years to look forward to. Now I love my life that I have been blessed with and I’m glad I didn’t commit suicide when I thought it was the only way out. I reached inside and found the cure was Jesus, whose plans are not to harm you but to give you a hope and a future. He loves you, and there are far better things ahead then anything you’re leaving behind. Pain is only temporary my friend, eternity is not. God has an enormous plan for your life but you HAVE to keep pushing through, and I promise you will be glad you did.
“For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” ~Jeremiah 29:11