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Relentlessly Pursuing God in Every Season
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By: Tiffany Langford
It’s funny how life can change a person. It’s funny how years of experience, heartbreak, joy, pain, laughter, tears, and a life well lived can show you your purpose.
It has taken me so many years to love myself. I still struggle with my self-worth. The funny thing about seeing your worth is you always seem to see it in everyone else, except yourself.
As a young girl, I felt rejection. From the very beginning I just couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that my father wasn’t in the picture.
Why wasn’t he there?
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The question plagued my mind even as a small girl coloring from the pages of her favorite book.
I fought with myself every time I looked in the mirror. I dealt with rejection through school, at home, anywhere I decided to go my heart seemed to come back to me like a beaten puppy, dealing with the emotions of feeling less than good enough and unloved.
I put a price tag on my worth. I looked at it as something that could be bought. I worked hard to try to be beautiful, I worked hard to try to be funny, I worked hard trying to be good enough.
But eventually I came to a place where I realized, that even with the effort I was putting into this, people would always STILL reject me.
I found myself struggling with an eating disorder at the age of 16. While I hated my reflection in the mirror, it became more about having a sense of control that I felt as though I lacked in my young, fragile mind.
I was trying to fit in in a world where I never really belonged in the first place.
Although I gave my heart to God at a young age, I still felt like certain events and circumstances in my life measured what I was really worth, and my my mind that was next to nothing.
Brothers and Sisters, where exactly would we go in this world if we REALLY started to see ourselves the way God sees us? What if we truly realized that our worth is immeasurable and not something that can be bought at a price? Where would we go? What would we accomplish?
It has taken me a whole lifetime to learn to love myself, and I don’t wish the same for you. Just in this past year did I really start seeing that I am worth it. I am good enough. I am treasured.
It isn’t just something you decide to do one day, it’s a process of learning to love yourself and to see yourself through the eyes of a Creator who calls you lovely. What a sin it is to think that we can ever place a price tag on our worth.
Our worth isn’t up for debate. It was decided over 2,000 years ago on a cross as our Savior died not only for our sins, but so that we would never have to suffer from feelings of inadequacy, rejection, and loneliness.
We have been set apart, and chosen as the pure bride for Christ. We are loved with a love that is unconditional, regardless of the worth we see in ourselves.
Father God, help us to see ourselves the way you see us! Show us that our worth isn’t something that can be bought. Our worth isn’t found in how we look or the things we do, it’s found in the fact that You took so much time forming each delicate part of us.
He gave you a purpose before your mother even knew we were in her womb. After all of the hell that has come against you in this life, how are you still standing? You have a purpose and a reason for being here, it’s time to start seeing yourself that way.
It’s time to start loving yourself, even if you are a grown woman trying to pick up the pieces from a broken childhood, marriage, or life unlived.
You are NOT unloved. You will never live a day unloved.
I pray that God speaks to the innermost depths of your spirit. I pray that He brings healing to your heart, and begins to show you just how much worth you hold in His eyes.
When you begin to start seeing your worth, the atmosphere around you changes. People will even begin to see you differently, when you first see it in yourself. You will start learning to say no to things and people who try to place a price tag on your worth. You will begin to discover a life un-lived, you will go after things and accomplish them once you see that you have the ability to do so. Every time you look in the mirror won’t be a fight, it will be a moment to embrace the beautiful person God has made you to be. You will take care of yourself. You will take care of your emotions. You will think too highly of yourself to let anyone walk all over you. You will start to feel more satisfied with life, and you will find joy in learning to love yourself.
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Each day of my life, I didn’t realize God was trying to show me how much I meant to Him. He kept placing people, things, and little signs in my way to say to me, You are worth so much more than the limits you place on yourself.
Maybe it was surviving a dangerous and traumatic birth, maybe it was having a daughter in whom I see a part of me, maybe it was years of just simply making it when the odds were against me, but at this moment in time, I am learning to love myself, and it feels so good. Im not fully there yet, I still have so much God is working on in my heart, but daily I am striving to see my reflection as a daughter of God. And I pray the same over your life. It’s such a huge step to take, but I can’t begin to tell you how much you are worth. You are blessed, chosen, treasured, beautiful, called out, marvelous, and lovely.
You are a daughter of Christ.
Start thinking, acting, talking, walking, and seeing yourself in that way.
“Blessed are those who find wisdom, those who gain understanding, for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than gold. She is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her. Long life is in her right hand; in her left hand are riches and honor. Her ways are pleasant ways, and all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her; those who hold her fast will be blessed.”
~Proverbs 3:13-18.
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Father, my whole life I’ve chased after pointless things, things that don’t even compare to you.
I’ve put other gods before you. I’ve chased after the desires of my flesh, rather than the deep longing of my spirit. Deep cries out into deep, yet I ran away from your love. I was a Prodigal daughter lost in a world of sin searching for love among other men.
Somehow, some way I thought they could fill me, that they could fill this hole deep within my heart, that they could somehow bring meaning to my life.
I accepted the love I thought I deserved.
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Then I found myself in a pit; lonely, ashamed, and confused. I was broken, God how I was broken, I was told I would never amount to anything, so I accept that as the truth within my heart and mind.
I need to clean my life up first, I would think to myself. I can’t bring my mess to you. I am a mess, no one would ever want me.
For years I rejected the one true love, the one real thing. Then you came, beating down the doors of my heart. I tried to keep you away, but your overwhelming love seeped through the cracks of my bitter heart, healing and consuming every broken part of me.
You held me in my numb, cold state. You showed me what the meaning of what true love is. You are true love. You are Abba, Father. You are my dwelling place, my strong tower, my sanctuary.
You have lifted me from the miry clay. You’ve took this mess of a woman and made her a conqueror, a mighty warrior. I now accept the love that I know I deserve.
I accept nothing less than your best because I only chase after the things that you have destined for me. When you came into my heart and spoke your sweet, precious words over me, my will broke. My idea of who I thought I was faded. I became a new creature in Christ, grasping onto the fact that I am fearfully, beautifully, and wonderfully made.
Father, I know I deserve nothing less than the best that you have for me. I deserve love, not some counterfeit. I deserve the kind of love you give. I deserve to be loved by others the way you have loved me.
I deserve an earthly king who will treasure my heart like my heavenly king. I won’t chase after the things that are not good for me. I won’t set my heart on things of no value. I now refuse to cast my pearls before swine.
I will sit here at your feet, as I wait on you. I will take this moment and allow you to love me through and through. I will embrace this process of healing, this journey of learning who I am in you. You are my source of life, the very air I breathe.
You are infinite love to me.
You are my King, my lover, and friend. Teach me to accept the love that I truly deserve because of who I am in you.
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